Silence

Silence...so revered, so misunderstood... so many perceptions of it, often misunderstood - it can mean hostility, anger, dissent, oppression, awkwardness, earily, protest.

Yet, silence has often been praised / raised up - silence is golden. Restraint has often been praised, raised as a virtue or true friend. People claim to remember silence more than words, solitary often suggested as good for the soul.

Hey, we even have silent retreats...

Above all... it can be deafening. My ear drums are bursting...

Words to remember

WL recently shared with me, JK Rowling's Commencement Address at Harvard in June, a truly inspiring (tho distinctly God-neutral) speech. I may not remember a word from my own graduation, but I'll probably remember many of hers here.

I encourage you to watch/read it here:

http://harvardmagazine.com/go/jkrowling.html

One part I take away from this speech - "I would like to make it clear, in parenthesis, that I do not blame my parents for their point of view. There is an expiry date on blaming your parents for steering you in the wrong direction; the moment you are old enough to take the wheel, responsibility lies with you. What is more, I cannot criticise my parents for hoping that I would never experience poverty."

I have in the past had the tendency to blame my parents for things in my life which I don't like. This is a strong (and stern) reminder never to do that again and to just do something about it rather than whinging about it.

Adventure!

Am finally back from Lombok and what a trip it was. From the onset, drama and adventure!

First off, we waited for the whole group to arrive before checking in, but the airline closed the check-in facilities while we were checking in. So we missed our flight, no other flights till Monday! After an hour of arguing with the airline, they agreed to put us on the waiting list for Bali, but there were 5 people ahead of the 6 of us in the waiting list. In the end, there were 7 seats open with 2 people left to check in, so we were left waiting anxiously for the final few minutes. But they didn't show, so miraculously (and the duty manager indeed said it would take a miracle), we all made it on that flight!

Next day, we made our way to Lombok and opted to travel by "fast boat", which turned out to be a slow public ferry which effectively took 7 hours. When we finally arrived at Lombok, it was low tide so we couldn't disembark. We had climbed off the side of the ferry and got these small boats which came up to the ferry to bring us to shore, finally reaching Lombok 24 hours later than expected.

So our climb of Mt. Rinjani was cut short from 4D3N to 3D2N. Turned out to be one of the toughest physical and mental experiences I've ever gone through (voluntarily at least, army doesn't count and I was waaaay fitter then). I could barely feel my legs each day, especially my calves and quads. On the last day we climbed all the way down for more than 8 hours, by the end my knees were seriously in pain.

During the trip, I was wondering what in the world I was thinking, paying money to put myself through this. Once it was over though, I'm proud of what I achieved. And like our guide happily pointed out to us, as a group we did it laughing and smiling, even though we were completely exhausted. :)

I also realised that I now appreciate natural sights infinitely more than man-made sights, because it allows me to appreciate the beauty of God's creation. The amazing mountain sights, beautiful lake, sunrise/sunset above the clouds, the most number of stars I have ever seen on a single clear night (it had to be thousands!)... God of Wonders, Your creation is so beautiful, I could only stare and marvel.

I'll let the pictures tell the story, once I get the full set from JD, our team photographer.

Ready to go

All packed and ready to go. Considering it's a 6D5N trip, I packed shockingly light (8kg). One of the more exciting trips I've done in recent years, going climbing Mt. Rinjani in Lombok. Apparently it's one of the tallest active volcanoes in Southeast Asia.

Timing's really off, got 2 engagements going on this week and feel really bad for not being around.

In any case, gotta go back to my favourite axiom - things I can control, things I can't control. Will make the best of it!

Whatever

I'm fed up with this, fed up with myself.

I'm not going to let this go on, need to get a grip.

If that's the way it has to be, then so be it.

AADD

Adult Attention-deficit disorder - a condition, marked by inattentiveness, difficulty getting work done, procrastination, and/or organization problems.

The Hallowell Center identifies the following indicators to consider when AADD is suspected and recommends that individuals with at least twelve of the following behaviours since childhood consider professional diagnosis:

1. A sense of under-achievement, of not meeting one’s goals (regardless of how much one has actually accomplished). Check (Count - 1)

2. Difficulty getting organised Check (Count - 2)

3. Chronic procrastination or trouble getting started Double Check (Count - 3)

4. Many projects going simultaneously; trouble with follow through. (that's my bosses fault, wun blame myself. haha)

5. A tendency to say what comes to mind without necessarily considering the timing or appropriateness of the remark. Confirm Check (Count - 4)

6. A frequent search for high stimulation.

7. An intolerance of boredom. Check (Count - 5)

8. Easy distractibility; trouble focusing attention, tendency to tune out or drift away Check (Count - 6)

9. Often creative, intuitive, highly intelligent

10. Trouble in going through established channels and following proper procedure. Confirm Check, haha... (Count - 7)

11. Impatient; low tolerance of frustration Check (Count - 8)

12. Impulsive, either verbally or in action Check (Count - 9)

13. Changing plans, enacting new schemes or career plans and the like; hot-tempered. Must be the most tell-tale sign! Check Check Check (Count - 10)

14. A tendency to worry needlessly

15. A sense of insecurity Check (Count - 11)

16. Mood swings Check (Count - 12)

17. Physical or cognitive restlessness

18. A tendency toward addictive behaviour Check (Count - 13)

19. Chronic problems with self-esteem

20. Inaccurate self-observation (paradox - if i say yes, does that then mean no?)

Total - 13!

"AADD is recognized as a disability under U.S. federal legislation" - does that mean I can downgrade???

*Disclaimer -
I don't serious think I have a clinical problem. I'd much rather have a rebel-without-a-cause personality than a clinical problem. Neither am I poking fun at those who are diagnosed with this. But I do have many of these characteristics.

Living Sacrifice

We had cell retreat today and I really thank God for blessing the day. Am really encouraged and refreshed.

Every time I take stock of my life and give thanks to God, I always have to start with family and cell - the selfless love from you that God has blessed me with, I can only pray that I can give as much as I have received.

So many times, in the tough moments, I have blessed by music. I bought this CD so long ago, but only today this song really struck me, words that could have come straight from my heart -

What It Means
Jeremy Camp

I've been here a thousand times before
Face down on the floor
Wondering how I even reached this place again
But You have shown so endlessly,
how Your love pours over me
No picture can re-create the beauty that I see

Chorus:
Show me what it means, to live my life a sacrifice
If only I would realise how much it took to pay the price
I know I'd always give, everything to You

I want this world to always see
Your perfect majesty
Reflecting from my life this brilliant poetry
Written all over this place
The signs of all creation that You breathed
Words can't even state how much You mean to me

Bridge:
I want to face my very crime
Of not giving all of mine
But I can feel the hope You bring to me

Oz!

Holiday in Sydney and Melbourne, traveled with my cousin Andrew. Lotsa walking and eating, lotsa fun. :)

Australia July 2008

dunno why I never fancied Australia much last time. Brilliant lifestyle, places, etc.. tempting place to go to. but it's just not home lah. :P

Knock on the head

Dream - something that is longed for
Fantasy - An unrealistic or improbable supposition

What did it mean? Does it make it a dream or a fantasy?

Tennis match of a lifetime

What a Wimbledon final! who cares if I had to stay up till 6am watching Nadal beat Federer in the greatest tennis match I have watched! Go Rafa, you've single-handedly made me excited to watch tennis like never before

Epiphany

How could I have been so bone-headed? What in the world have I been doing for the past 4 years? The mind is indeed so powerful, it can deceive itself. Oh, but if it was supposed to be buried, why didn't it stay buried...

Catch up

Haven't blogged in eons, I know. It's a very bad habit of mine, kinda like exercise and keeping room tidy. I start out trying to do it consistently, fall behind a bit, get reluctant to do it cos so much to catch up, then finally one shot do all.

On the other hand, dun think much happened in the past 3 months. Let's do a quick catch up:

Job - Good bosses, good teammates, good hours. Pretty much all a guy can ask for

Relationship - Single again (Father, You and I need to have a good talk about this part of my life)

Family - Grandma passed away.. but in the midst of it all, really reminded me how blessed I am to be in this family. So much of who I am is directly related

Cell/Church - Still yearning, still trying to achieve breakthrough in my relationship with God. Wish it could be easier/wish I had more discipline

That's actually pretty much it, though lots to look forward to. Got at least 2 holidays lined up on either side of a month of reservist! Next up, Sydney/Melbourne, then Lombok!

This is love

First week at work was somewhat long hours and kinda stressful, cos I was seconded to a client for the week, no safety net of anyone more senior to guide/support me. Work was exactly what I wanted to do though and the opportunity is one that doesn't come around too often, so all's good. :)

My cousin got married over the weekend and the Bible passage they chose for this Easter wedding was one that I really concentrated on that Saturday morning:

1 John 4:9-16
9This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. 10This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. 11Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

13We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. 14And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. 15If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. 16And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.

Thanks cousin, for this reminder of love for others.

Hosanna!

Praise is rising, eyes are turning to You, we turn to You
Hope is stirring, hearts are yearning for You, we long for You
Cause when we see You, we find strength to face the day
In Your presence all our fears are washed away, washed away

We sang Hosanna today during worship and Pastor Reuben preached about Palm Sunday. He talked about how the word Hosanna isn't just a praise, it's also crying "Save us!" and how Palm Sunday was really about presenting and remembering Jesus as the perfect sacrifice. The sacrifice so that each and everyone of us would be saved.

Hosanna, Hosanna
You are the God who saves us
Worthy of all our praises
Hosanna, Hosanna
Come have your way among us
We welcome You here, Lord Jesus

His sermon founds its way into my weary heart today. After all that's happened, I can only say Hosanna, Hosanna, Lord Jesus! It is your perfect love Lord, that gives me the comfort and joy in my darkest moments.

Hear the sound of hearts returning to You, we turn to You
In Your Kingdom broken lives are made new, You make us new

Cause when we see You, we find strength to face the day
In Your presence all our fears are washed away, washed away

Father, thank You for your perfect love, that gives me the comfort and joy in my darkest moments. Thank You, that in Your name, broken lives are made new. Thank You that because of Your love, we are saved. As Easter comes again, I can only say... thank You.

Almost 6 months ago, this song touched my heart so much. Today I want to share it with you, my friends, again:

As we come into Your presence we remember every blessing
That You've poured out so freely from above
Lifting gratitude and praises for compassion so amazing
Lord, we've come to give You thanks for all You've done

Because of Your love, we're forgiven
Because of Your love, our hearts are clean
We lift You up with songs of freedom
Forever we're changed because of Your love

Better food than Singapore?

3 days of eating and chilling by the pool/beach, Penang's the ideal place for that, cos really there ain't much else to do unless you like butterflies and British colonial history.

Given how everyone's always raving about Penang food, on the second day, we got a cabbie to take us around to Penang's 'famous' food stalls.

Penang March 08

Ok lah, it looked like local joints since few tourists and many locals. But honestly though, maybe I'm used to Singapore food, but they were faaaaantastically good, which you'd expect given the way everyone raves about Penang food. Ah well, but it was fun to go around eating small portions of everything.

Only You Lord

Now i come right before You
With my hands lifted up
With my heart humbly bowed
At Your work on the cross
...
No one else can satisfy my soul
Can make me feel this way
Only You Lord, only You

I went into last Sunday's worship feeling that my heart and soul were reaching out to God and yearning to worship Him. I know the reasons why everything in the past 2 months happened (getting the job, suffering on the job, quitting the job) and I know a large part of it was related to pride. As we sang this verse on Sunday, all the emotion I had bottled within came out and I released it to God... indeed, I am humbling myself, listening to God's will for my life and for the first time, I feel peace with my career with no loose ends tugging at it.

I truly believe God has taken me on this personal journey over the past year to learn about myself and to learn about His will for me. No regrets, every step of the way. It may seem unconventional or wishy-washy to others, but I know it was a necessary route my Lord and Saviour wanted me to take. I am stronger for it and ready to face a future with Jesus at the centre of it. This realisation and the release of all my emotions and feelings just led to tears flowing...

I want to share this song that we sang with you, even if it's a familiar song. It's words express what my heart is singing right now:

How Could I Live
Hillsong

How could I live without You
How could I survive
Without Your love
Without Your touch
You're the One that heals me
And cleanses my heart
And sets me free

Now i come right before You
With my hands lifted up
With my heart humbly bowed
At Your work on the cross
As You hang there and die
You were paying the price
For my life, For my life

For Your love is higher than the heavens
Deeper than the seas
And all I want is You in my life
No one else can satisfy my soul
Can make me feel this way
Only You Lord, only You

Bye to the Snake Pit

Yesterday I actually got an email confirming Wed 12th last day and Mon 10th last working day. But today things came to an abrupt end and ended with me being escorted to the door. For the first time in my life, I kiiiiinda understood what it feels like to be let go.

Ah well... am not happy with the way they ended it (those around me know that to be understatement of the century), but end of the day, I won't miss that venomous snake pit.

No good will come from me expressing all the things I want to say about this episode, so let me refrain from doing so. Time to move on...

Prodigal Son

Spoke to my former partner in TAS and told him what had been happening. I had actually been keeping in touch with him over the past year, telling him personally whenever I made a move.

I went in with basically 4 things I could have asked but couldn't be certain he would give. Incredibly, he gave them all:

- Position in financial modelling team
- Manager position (a position I would only be at in July if I had stayed since last year)
- Promise of only modelling work and no accounting valuation/litigation support work
- Help with the M&A team's modelling work

It's a really good offer and is almost like the story of the Prodigal Son according to ky. (Except that he's not my father! hahaha)

I truly believe this is a blessing from God after all the learning experiences I have gone through. Will share on that soon...

Conundrum

I wasn't taking any chances this time. Pris and I mapped out all my possible career options at this point and I insisted on putting it into a table to sort out my thoughts. Anyway, do bear with me as I list of these thoughts (hint: jump to the bottom if you get bored).

1) Investment Analyst in asset management firm

Pro
- exposure to asset management industry and learn from portfolio managers
- can progress onto portfolio management

Con
- could be a very very very significant pay cut (start from bottom)
- less flexibility in taking leave and even then must always keep abreast of news
- no guarantee that can move into portfolio management compared to research analyst

2) Research Analyst

Pro
- get to know in depth knowledge about covered industry
- good pay
- could be interesting work
- can progress onto portfolio management

Con
- can likely only get in at an experienced level whereby expectations of skills are high
- cannot be careless (i am)
- less flexibility in taking leave and even then must always keep abreast of news
- hours may not be good
- could be stressful because work is public document and subsequent market movements testify to the accuracy of your opinions
- target price and opinions often conflicted by bank's IB clients (forced to write buy when you believe sell)

3) Corporate M&A

Pro
- M&A related work and get to do modelling
- Better hours, ok pay, work life balance
- More ownership of work as you experience M&A from a different perspective

Con
- appetite/eagerness for M&A transactions not as great
- opportunities rare
- unlikely to take a chance on me because they need stability
- need to handle and lead a M&A transaction which actual experience to date might not be adequate; need to pretend again
- Mandarin requirement might be a strong possibility
- Location might not be in RP
- Less flexibility in taking leave

4) Corporate Project Finance

Pro
- Project finance related work and get to do modelling
- Better hours, ok pay, work life balance
- More ownership of work as you experience project finance from a different perspective
- A lot more contact with modelling work

Con
- can be very stressful as they expect someone who already has requisite experience
- Less flexibility in taking leave
- no time for you to learn, must know asap

5) EY Financial Modelling

Pro
- Comfortable with pace and work there
- get to learn and work at your own pace without expectation gaps
- no need to prove yourself to bosses
- no loss in position vis a vis previous position

Con
- have to endure peoples' curiosity and possible snide comments
- hours may or may not be fantastic
- poor EY culture

I've left out some of the other options (project finance in bank, commercial due diligence in PwC, more routine type work e.g. product control), but you get the idea.

In the end, I had only one conclusion. My best option was to talk to my former partner and see what came out of it. I prayed about it and this seems like the best compromise between what I want in my career and what I can offer.

Let's see...

Next steps

It's a very strange situation to be in. I've hardly gotten to know my colleagues, so though I know they all know, they aren't saying a thing. My senior analyst and VP aren't talking to me or giving me new work, so I literally went through the last 2 days feeling very uncomfortable in office and not a word said. Very strange.

But whatever, if you're gonna insist I stay 2 weeks then sideline me and pay me what used to be my one month salary to do that, ok lor...

Meanwhile... suddenly, with the urge of being a banker/earning that kind of money (as opposed to having it, there's a diff) gone, perspective is so different. while things like investment analyst or research analyst sound 'sexy', the reality is that i do not have a natural interest in stock picking so why put myself in a situation like that.

I need to stay at my next job for 3-5 years, no matter what. After thinking long and hard about what i want, i came to the conclusion that I need these 3 things to make that happen:

1) Project-based job - I can't do the same thing every day, I will surely get bored and leave.
2) Financial modelling related - It's the one thing I know interests and can engross me, the problem-solving aspect of modelling (kinda like when I did programming for A level Computing, as SW and KL can testify)
3) Flexible/quality life - Work/life balance which allows me to do things I wanna outside of work place and flexibility in terms of work hours/lunch hours/periods of leave

Oops... and if it isn't too much to ask, I'd like to be in Raffles Place area. It's funny, but having been in AMK for 5 months, I realised there is a difference if you can meet your friends for lunch every other day vs being 'banished' to the far regions.

Sounds fussy... but I feel it's necessary to know what I want. More news to come...