My director in HK called me this morning, chewed my head off, so pissed and disappointed he was. I can understand that.

In this short time, I have developed tremendous respect for their intellect and abilities. They have never been anything short of brutally honest of the challenge I would face. It is I who let my desire to have this job cloud my judgment.

Office suddenly became an extremely cold place, as if it couldn't get any colder. I feel it's the investment banking culture/lifestyle. It's just business. It was such a strange day, no one talking to me, no one emailing me at all. My senior analyst spoke to me for 5 mins, VP spoke at the end of the day bluntly saying they wanted me to serve out the 2 weeks notice.

Whatever..

My career's in a mess. My body and my psyche are also messed up. Even 3 weeks I already feel out of sync and off balance.

But you know what? No regrets. Not through poly, not through investment banking. Here's why:

1) I no longer harbour any notions of wanting something "better" in my job. I truly truly know the kind of life I want and can be contented with it.

2) The experience has made me truly realise how much pris means to me and the way she supported me has really helped carry me through this (together with the prayers of all my close ones of course). A corner has been turned, a milestone reached and for that alone, this experience has been worth it.

Had dinner with her, mal, vio, eugene last night. For the first time this month, I felt peace and contentment again. Just a simple dinner at a normal hour. I'll never take that for granted again.

Meanwhile... baby Isaac was born yesterday morning! Congrats, Eugene and Dawn. He's sooo big! Pictures to come, I'm sure...

Not again...

Father, I understand now why against all reason, You let me have this job. It so completely goes against serving You, doing all that I want to do for You, but You knew how much I wanted this job and You actually let me have it.

Why? Given the way I am, this was the only way I would ever see that this is not the life I want, this is not the sacrifice I want to make, this is not what is going to make me happy. Others would know before making such a decision, clearly I am not one of others. I had to see for myself, feel for myself and know for myself, once and for all, this is not me.

The past 3 weeks have pushed me to the very edge. This is not merely hating my job. If it were, I'd just deal with it and continue. But it's affecting my health, affecting (quite frankly) my sanity. I am literally at the very edge and I don't have the worldly motivation in me to go on making this sacrifice in the name of ambition.

I told my VP I'm quitting today..

It can't be that bad?

It's been 2 weeks since my last post, but it's really felt like 2 months. When I have shared with others what I am going through, it sounds so horrible it can't possibly be true. But I need to share it here, get it off my chest:

I've done long hours before, but this is getting out of hand. For the past 2 weekends, after working 2-3 am nights every night on average, I had to work till 5am the previous Sat/Sun and 430am this last one. I'm so tired I'm walking/working in a daze, just focusing on my immediate task at hand.

That in itself is still ok, but the bigger problem is the pace. This one is hard to believe. It's such a rush that I barely have enough time to buy back and eat, let alone sit down for a normal lunch of 1 hour and a normal hour. Once this week my first meal was at 1030pm, another at 430pm. My average meal is 15 mins (lunch and dinner) because I simply don't have time to spend like this. I don't dare eat at lunch/dinner hours because the crowd might make it take longer, so my average meal is a quick or dabao one at 2-3pm.

From the moment I get in, I literally hit the keyboard and start working before my bosses get in and start asking for my work. In 3 weeks there, I've barely gotten to speak to my colleagues and know their names, let alone get to know them. Every time I step away from the office and the blackberry flashes red (new email), my blood goes cold wondering what now.

And my team... I essentially work for a senior analyst and a VP, that's our team of 3. Both are very stony faced to me, but speak/joke in their own language to each other. One getting very impatient when talking to me, the other snapping at me when I try to ask him anything. When I offer an opinion, it's put down with a "No, that's not it". You just can't ask questions here, cannot expecting any guidance, even when I have tried on my own to resolve something, I still kena whack after that because I asked. There are 3 levels of contact:

1) Phone rings, to tell me I made mistake here or there
2) Phone rings, "Mark, please come over" - means must show you where and how you made another mistake or did wrong
3) Phone rings, "Let's go into the room to discuss" - means jialat, going to kena whack so dun wanna malu me in front of other colleagues (side note - could that statement be any more Singlish? oops)

After a while, it becomes a "so, what did I do wrong this time?" thing.

Sigh. You know what though? Most people think that this is just the start, "It gets better", "You'll get used to it", "It can't be this bad aaall the time"... best one, when referring to my coping with lifestyle and mistakes, "You just gotta put in more effort".

Win already lor.. Like I said at the start of this post, it's so bad it's hard to believe it's all true and going to remain like this indefinitely.

You know what though? While I will make less mistakes as I go along, the harsh environment I work in (or for?), the hours, the pace, that never ends. Because my directors have meetings EVERY week and EVERY day, and every time they do we have to generate reports and analysis for them to present. So yeah, this ain't gonna end until I make VP in 5-7 years time.

Why does one do this? I admit, it's not about the money per se, but it's kinda related. A part of me, even for a moment, just this once, wanted to feel the 'pride' of being a banker, of earning that kind of money, of having that kind of status. The part of me that was sick of being trodden on as an EY employee, just wanted some worldly respect.

This is not me... this is not the life I want. Yet, I did choose it, didn't I. More on that tomorrow...

Finding new gears

Imagine always shifting up to 4th gear everytime you hit the road, then going at a speed that pushes 4th gear and wishing you had a 5th gear.

That's what it feels like right now. A new pace and speed so fast I never knew, me wishing hoping praying that I can find the gear to match it, otherwise right now it's just vrooooooooooooooom but no gear forthcoming. haha...

Today was particularly bad. Hours I can handle, but somehow I just feel so slow, so inefficient, so lacking in aptitude. Was struggling for so long to do something which I did all the time in EY (tho granted maybe cos I'm expected to do in a quarter the time here).

Ok, I admit it. I'm feeling miserable. But it's largely cos I'm not a fan of getting to know new places, new people and I think right now I don't feel all that confident of my abilities. For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm not performing adequately (let alone outstanding) and could well be let go (2 weeks notice in first 6 mths!).

Anyway, some pictures of the work place:

my little (and still bare) corner - with the hours spent staring at the comp, i'm glad i have a nice big monitor to look at.

far view of office - it really dun look that different from EY

my neighbour on my left, the Bloomberg machine to my right (in the corner) - been using it as a secondary computer since its so near and mine is so slow

Happy CNY!

Technically speaking, I've only had 1 working day so far.. but you just knew it wouldn't be counted that way right?

For the first hour on the first day, CNY eve, I still thought I might get away with it and have a work-free holiday period. Haha, once the senior analyst got in, reality sat in and from that point, I worked at a pace I had not gone at before. Seriously..many have told me that the pace in banks is consistently intense, but only experiencing it today did I even partially appreciate that. Before you knew it, it was 11pm.. I was tired and so not smiling.

Been spending the last few days wondering why in the world I am like that, why I insist on putting myself through this. If it wasn't so tragic, it's almost funny that I am going through the process my dear went through a month ago. The newness of the workplace, the feeling that you cannot make it and might be let go one day, the frustration at why do this to yourself and put yourself through the hours, the desire to just have a nice simple peaceful quiet life with each other..Hai... hope I have the energy to last this man. I am sick and tired of changing jobs all the time.

Yet, I can't deny that underlying that is an excitement about it too, if only I could do my job better. I know I'm being harsh on myself, but the expectation is so high, so much for me to catch up and improve. If I could just do that, the day I finish my first deal I know it'd be amazing.

Okok, enough moping. For all the sob stories, I actually got to do everything I intended to do this CNY anyway (other than reunion dinner). Visited mum's side at popo's lunch first day, visited dad's side at lao ku's lunch 2nd day, even managed to have dinner with the wedding committee plus plus yesterday:

Thanks Angie for taking the photo (and sacrificing your place in it)! Your other photos were amazing, as usual.

Have to go into office for a little while tomorrow evening, but I do get to go to church then ELIM visiting Simon & family. Yay!

Happy new year everybody!

p.s. they ban gmail at office but allow facebook??

A new beginning.. again

It's been a nice break, took the chance to sort out stuff I needed to do before getting busy. Tidied room, updated finances, gave student a walk-through of audit before he starts his internship in EY, met up with friends, booked IPPT date in a month's time... pretty much everything I needed to do.

Almost 4 months ago, I was getting ready to teach my first class. Tonight I find myself about to start a new career in a new place.. and I am really nervous! You'd think that starting a new job for the 4th time in my 4 1/2 year career would not be that bad, but yes I am nervous.

Yet, I am excited about what the future holds for me if I can get past the immediate short term. I know I will be busy, I know I am making many sacrifices, but behind the nervousness, I am really excited!

Meanwhile...fingers crossed that I don't have to work over CNY!