It's been 2 weeks since my last post, but it's really felt like 2 months. When I have shared with others what I am going through, it sounds so horrible it can't possibly be true. But I need to share it here, get it off my chest:
I've done long hours before, but this is getting out of hand. For the past 2 weekends, after working 2-3 am nights every night on average, I had to work till 5am the previous Sat/Sun and 430am this last one. I'm so tired I'm walking/working in a daze, just focusing on my immediate task at hand.
That in itself is still ok, but the bigger problem is the pace. This one is hard to believe. It's such a rush that I barely have enough time to buy back and eat, let alone sit down for a normal lunch of 1 hour and a normal hour. Once this week my first meal was at 1030pm, another at 430pm. My average meal is 15 mins (lunch and dinner) because I simply don't have time to spend like this. I don't dare eat at lunch/dinner hours because the crowd might make it take longer, so my average meal is a quick or dabao one at 2-3pm.
From the moment I get in, I literally hit the keyboard and start working before my bosses get in and start asking for my work. In 3 weeks there, I've barely gotten to speak to my colleagues and know their names, let alone get to know them. Every time I step away from the office and the blackberry flashes red (new email), my blood goes cold wondering what now.
And my team... I essentially work for a senior analyst and a VP, that's our team of 3. Both are very stony faced to me, but speak/joke in their own language to each other. One getting very impatient when talking to me, the other snapping at me when I try to ask him anything. When I offer an opinion, it's put down with a "No, that's not it". You just can't ask questions here, cannot expecting any guidance, even when I have tried on my own to resolve something, I still kena whack after that because I asked. There are 3 levels of contact:
1) Phone rings, to tell me I made mistake here or there
2) Phone rings, "Mark, please come over" - means must show you where and how you made another mistake or did wrong
3) Phone rings, "Let's go into the room to discuss" - means jialat, going to kena whack so dun wanna malu me in front of other colleagues (side note - could that statement be any more Singlish? oops)
After a while, it becomes a "so, what did I do wrong this time?" thing.
Sigh. You know what though? Most people think that this is just the start, "It gets better", "You'll get used to it", "It can't be this bad aaall the time"... best one, when referring to my coping with lifestyle and mistakes, "You just gotta put in more effort".
Win already lor.. Like I said at the start of this post, it's so bad it's hard to believe it's all true and going to remain like this indefinitely.
You know what though? While I will make less mistakes as I go along, the harsh environment I work in (or for?), the hours, the pace, that never ends. Because my directors have meetings EVERY week and EVERY day, and every time they do we have to generate reports and analysis for them to present. So yeah, this ain't gonna end until I make VP in 5-7 years time.
Why does one do this? I admit, it's not about the money per se, but it's kinda related. A part of me, even for a moment, just this once, wanted to feel the 'pride' of being a banker, of earning that kind of money, of having that kind of status. The part of me that was sick of being trodden on as an EY employee, just wanted some worldly respect.
This is not me... this is not the life I want. Yet, I did choose it, didn't I. More on that tomorrow...
I've done long hours before, but this is getting out of hand. For the past 2 weekends, after working 2-3 am nights every night on average, I had to work till 5am the previous Sat/Sun and 430am this last one. I'm so tired I'm walking/working in a daze, just focusing on my immediate task at hand.
That in itself is still ok, but the bigger problem is the pace. This one is hard to believe. It's such a rush that I barely have enough time to buy back and eat, let alone sit down for a normal lunch of 1 hour and a normal hour. Once this week my first meal was at 1030pm, another at 430pm. My average meal is 15 mins (lunch and dinner) because I simply don't have time to spend like this. I don't dare eat at lunch/dinner hours because the crowd might make it take longer, so my average meal is a quick or dabao one at 2-3pm.
From the moment I get in, I literally hit the keyboard and start working before my bosses get in and start asking for my work. In 3 weeks there, I've barely gotten to speak to my colleagues and know their names, let alone get to know them. Every time I step away from the office and the blackberry flashes red (new email), my blood goes cold wondering what now.
And my team... I essentially work for a senior analyst and a VP, that's our team of 3. Both are very stony faced to me, but speak/joke in their own language to each other. One getting very impatient when talking to me, the other snapping at me when I try to ask him anything. When I offer an opinion, it's put down with a "No, that's not it". You just can't ask questions here, cannot expecting any guidance, even when I have tried on my own to resolve something, I still kena whack after that because I asked. There are 3 levels of contact:
1) Phone rings, to tell me I made mistake here or there
2) Phone rings, "Mark, please come over" - means must show you where and how you made another mistake or did wrong
3) Phone rings, "Let's go into the room to discuss" - means jialat, going to kena whack so dun wanna malu me in front of other colleagues (side note - could that statement be any more Singlish? oops)
After a while, it becomes a "so, what did I do wrong this time?" thing.
Sigh. You know what though? Most people think that this is just the start, "It gets better", "You'll get used to it", "It can't be this bad aaall the time"... best one, when referring to my coping with lifestyle and mistakes, "You just gotta put in more effort".
Win already lor.. Like I said at the start of this post, it's so bad it's hard to believe it's all true and going to remain like this indefinitely.
You know what though? While I will make less mistakes as I go along, the harsh environment I work in (or for?), the hours, the pace, that never ends. Because my directors have meetings EVERY week and EVERY day, and every time they do we have to generate reports and analysis for them to present. So yeah, this ain't gonna end until I make VP in 5-7 years time.
Why does one do this? I admit, it's not about the money per se, but it's kinda related. A part of me, even for a moment, just this once, wanted to feel the 'pride' of being a banker, of earning that kind of money, of having that kind of status. The part of me that was sick of being trodden on as an EY employee, just wanted some worldly respect.
This is not me... this is not the life I want. Yet, I did choose it, didn't I. More on that tomorrow...
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