My director in HK called me this morning, chewed my head off, so pissed and disappointed he was. I can understand that.

In this short time, I have developed tremendous respect for their intellect and abilities. They have never been anything short of brutally honest of the challenge I would face. It is I who let my desire to have this job cloud my judgment.

Office suddenly became an extremely cold place, as if it couldn't get any colder. I feel it's the investment banking culture/lifestyle. It's just business. It was such a strange day, no one talking to me, no one emailing me at all. My senior analyst spoke to me for 5 mins, VP spoke at the end of the day bluntly saying they wanted me to serve out the 2 weeks notice.

Whatever..

My career's in a mess. My body and my psyche are also messed up. Even 3 weeks I already feel out of sync and off balance.

But you know what? No regrets. Not through poly, not through investment banking. Here's why:

1) I no longer harbour any notions of wanting something "better" in my job. I truly truly know the kind of life I want and can be contented with it.

2) The experience has made me truly realise how much pris means to me and the way she supported me has really helped carry me through this (together with the prayers of all my close ones of course). A corner has been turned, a milestone reached and for that alone, this experience has been worth it.

Had dinner with her, mal, vio, eugene last night. For the first time this month, I felt peace and contentment again. Just a simple dinner at a normal hour. I'll never take that for granted again.

Meanwhile... baby Isaac was born yesterday morning! Congrats, Eugene and Dawn. He's sooo big! Pictures to come, I'm sure...

Not again...

Father, I understand now why against all reason, You let me have this job. It so completely goes against serving You, doing all that I want to do for You, but You knew how much I wanted this job and You actually let me have it.

Why? Given the way I am, this was the only way I would ever see that this is not the life I want, this is not the sacrifice I want to make, this is not what is going to make me happy. Others would know before making such a decision, clearly I am not one of others. I had to see for myself, feel for myself and know for myself, once and for all, this is not me.

The past 3 weeks have pushed me to the very edge. This is not merely hating my job. If it were, I'd just deal with it and continue. But it's affecting my health, affecting (quite frankly) my sanity. I am literally at the very edge and I don't have the worldly motivation in me to go on making this sacrifice in the name of ambition.

I told my VP I'm quitting today..

It can't be that bad?

It's been 2 weeks since my last post, but it's really felt like 2 months. When I have shared with others what I am going through, it sounds so horrible it can't possibly be true. But I need to share it here, get it off my chest:

I've done long hours before, but this is getting out of hand. For the past 2 weekends, after working 2-3 am nights every night on average, I had to work till 5am the previous Sat/Sun and 430am this last one. I'm so tired I'm walking/working in a daze, just focusing on my immediate task at hand.

That in itself is still ok, but the bigger problem is the pace. This one is hard to believe. It's such a rush that I barely have enough time to buy back and eat, let alone sit down for a normal lunch of 1 hour and a normal hour. Once this week my first meal was at 1030pm, another at 430pm. My average meal is 15 mins (lunch and dinner) because I simply don't have time to spend like this. I don't dare eat at lunch/dinner hours because the crowd might make it take longer, so my average meal is a quick or dabao one at 2-3pm.

From the moment I get in, I literally hit the keyboard and start working before my bosses get in and start asking for my work. In 3 weeks there, I've barely gotten to speak to my colleagues and know their names, let alone get to know them. Every time I step away from the office and the blackberry flashes red (new email), my blood goes cold wondering what now.

And my team... I essentially work for a senior analyst and a VP, that's our team of 3. Both are very stony faced to me, but speak/joke in their own language to each other. One getting very impatient when talking to me, the other snapping at me when I try to ask him anything. When I offer an opinion, it's put down with a "No, that's not it". You just can't ask questions here, cannot expecting any guidance, even when I have tried on my own to resolve something, I still kena whack after that because I asked. There are 3 levels of contact:

1) Phone rings, to tell me I made mistake here or there
2) Phone rings, "Mark, please come over" - means must show you where and how you made another mistake or did wrong
3) Phone rings, "Let's go into the room to discuss" - means jialat, going to kena whack so dun wanna malu me in front of other colleagues (side note - could that statement be any more Singlish? oops)

After a while, it becomes a "so, what did I do wrong this time?" thing.

Sigh. You know what though? Most people think that this is just the start, "It gets better", "You'll get used to it", "It can't be this bad aaall the time"... best one, when referring to my coping with lifestyle and mistakes, "You just gotta put in more effort".

Win already lor.. Like I said at the start of this post, it's so bad it's hard to believe it's all true and going to remain like this indefinitely.

You know what though? While I will make less mistakes as I go along, the harsh environment I work in (or for?), the hours, the pace, that never ends. Because my directors have meetings EVERY week and EVERY day, and every time they do we have to generate reports and analysis for them to present. So yeah, this ain't gonna end until I make VP in 5-7 years time.

Why does one do this? I admit, it's not about the money per se, but it's kinda related. A part of me, even for a moment, just this once, wanted to feel the 'pride' of being a banker, of earning that kind of money, of having that kind of status. The part of me that was sick of being trodden on as an EY employee, just wanted some worldly respect.

This is not me... this is not the life I want. Yet, I did choose it, didn't I. More on that tomorrow...

Finding new gears

Imagine always shifting up to 4th gear everytime you hit the road, then going at a speed that pushes 4th gear and wishing you had a 5th gear.

That's what it feels like right now. A new pace and speed so fast I never knew, me wishing hoping praying that I can find the gear to match it, otherwise right now it's just vrooooooooooooooom but no gear forthcoming. haha...

Today was particularly bad. Hours I can handle, but somehow I just feel so slow, so inefficient, so lacking in aptitude. Was struggling for so long to do something which I did all the time in EY (tho granted maybe cos I'm expected to do in a quarter the time here).

Ok, I admit it. I'm feeling miserable. But it's largely cos I'm not a fan of getting to know new places, new people and I think right now I don't feel all that confident of my abilities. For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm not performing adequately (let alone outstanding) and could well be let go (2 weeks notice in first 6 mths!).

Anyway, some pictures of the work place:

my little (and still bare) corner - with the hours spent staring at the comp, i'm glad i have a nice big monitor to look at.

far view of office - it really dun look that different from EY

my neighbour on my left, the Bloomberg machine to my right (in the corner) - been using it as a secondary computer since its so near and mine is so slow

Happy CNY!

Technically speaking, I've only had 1 working day so far.. but you just knew it wouldn't be counted that way right?

For the first hour on the first day, CNY eve, I still thought I might get away with it and have a work-free holiday period. Haha, once the senior analyst got in, reality sat in and from that point, I worked at a pace I had not gone at before. Seriously..many have told me that the pace in banks is consistently intense, but only experiencing it today did I even partially appreciate that. Before you knew it, it was 11pm.. I was tired and so not smiling.

Been spending the last few days wondering why in the world I am like that, why I insist on putting myself through this. If it wasn't so tragic, it's almost funny that I am going through the process my dear went through a month ago. The newness of the workplace, the feeling that you cannot make it and might be let go one day, the frustration at why do this to yourself and put yourself through the hours, the desire to just have a nice simple peaceful quiet life with each other..Hai... hope I have the energy to last this man. I am sick and tired of changing jobs all the time.

Yet, I can't deny that underlying that is an excitement about it too, if only I could do my job better. I know I'm being harsh on myself, but the expectation is so high, so much for me to catch up and improve. If I could just do that, the day I finish my first deal I know it'd be amazing.

Okok, enough moping. For all the sob stories, I actually got to do everything I intended to do this CNY anyway (other than reunion dinner). Visited mum's side at popo's lunch first day, visited dad's side at lao ku's lunch 2nd day, even managed to have dinner with the wedding committee plus plus yesterday:

Thanks Angie for taking the photo (and sacrificing your place in it)! Your other photos were amazing, as usual.

Have to go into office for a little while tomorrow evening, but I do get to go to church then ELIM visiting Simon & family. Yay!

Happy new year everybody!

p.s. they ban gmail at office but allow facebook??

A new beginning.. again

It's been a nice break, took the chance to sort out stuff I needed to do before getting busy. Tidied room, updated finances, gave student a walk-through of audit before he starts his internship in EY, met up with friends, booked IPPT date in a month's time... pretty much everything I needed to do.

Almost 4 months ago, I was getting ready to teach my first class. Tonight I find myself about to start a new career in a new place.. and I am really nervous! You'd think that starting a new job for the 4th time in my 4 1/2 year career would not be that bad, but yes I am nervous.

Yet, I am excited about what the future holds for me if I can get past the immediate short term. I know I will be busy, I know I am making many sacrifices, but behind the nervousness, I am really excited!

Meanwhile...fingers crossed that I don't have to work over CNY!

Deferred!

Booked into camp today and managed to defer my ICT! So if NYP agrees to let me take leave this week, I get a breather to prepare for start of job next week.

Not only that, but I got verbal agreement from the CO not to call me up for 6 months because I am on probation.

So no NS till Sept. Now to figure out how to pass IPPT by my birthday...

Lesson learnt

I feel like my previous few posts have been very lengthy, so I'll try to keep this one short.

ELIM met for bible study at 8am in East Coast, bladed for a little while, then went for nice juicy steak at Aston's. Steak yum..chips yum..corn-on-the-cob yuuum...

Must have been very tired though, because for the first time, I actually dozed off in the middle of a jam:

Looks minor, but an accident's an accident. SIGH...

Update 28 Jan Monday:
Other guy's damage came to $1,500. What a rip off! There goes my NCD...

Touched

Today was my last day in NYP. It's funny, only 5 months, yet I grew very attached to my (admittedly still very bare) corner, as well as the 3 wonderful pple I shared the office with. Fact that 4 of us got along so well actually made the office a haven at work.

Still, it had to be the busiest day I had in the 5 months there. Here's a rundown from 8am-

8am - Send out emails to handover work
9am-11am - Classes
11am-12pm - Feedback session to FSRC students
12pm - Class
1pm - Answer exam questions, meet previous round of FSRC students
130pm - Final update of files before emailing out to colleagues
2pm - Type final emails to colleagues and students
230pm - Return laptop
3pm - Rush down to Raffles Place for pre-employment medical
5pm - Rush back to do outprocessing with admin manager.

Up to that point, I had not drunk or eaten anything all day. But then something I didn't expect:

It had been hinted to me that the FSRC students wanted to do something for me before I left, but when I got there, I was so surprised. Both previous rounds of students were there (about 40?) as well as all the supervisors. They had food, sparking grape juice, cake and all. They burned a video message that really touched me, drew a piece of art and signed on it, bought me a pair of bull/bear cufflinks. So touched. In my 5 months there, FSRC had to be the most fun and most enjoyable part of the experience, because it allowed me to do exactly what I went there to do in the first place - to teach them skill sets for the work place, to get them excited about potential jobs in the industry, to aid them in their search for their own career paths.

In that time, I got to know more than 200 students through classes & FSRC and I am very glad that many of them have told me I had an impact. I hope and pray that the impact will be a lasting one, or that I would be able to continue to do that in some way, which is why I gave them an email address to contact me.

I may have chosen my own path, but I am very excited to see them carve out their own paths and I fully intend to continue to help any of them in whatever way I can in the future.

Got it!

It's been hinted and seemingly more and more likely, but I didn't dare believe it yet. Yesterday afternoon though, the first guy who interviewed me (you'll remember it as the one I thought I seriously bombed out) to tell me they were offering me the job! In that moment, all the anxiety, all the hopes, all the wishes, they were freed.

Having thought about why I am doing this for so long, I can only conclude that it is just something I wanted and felt I needed to do. For so many reasons, most of which I accept may not be ideal. Wanting to get real exposure in the industry I have found very interesting to me (as oppose to EY-type exposure), wanting to see how a real MNC works (as opposed to local firm pretending to be MNC), wanting to get the experience of being in a bank. I admit, this is a career-changing opportunity that will give me access to many jobs I never even had a chance to consider in the past.

But I still wanted to try to commit this to God, tho my will was so strong. I asked God to please close this door if You do not want this for me, because I do not have the strength to say no on my own.

Yet..the contract came in today, 1 day before my last day so I don't go jobless and few days before I go to army on Monday so I have a chance to defer. The timing is so incredible I really felt in that moment that the timing was His.

Later in the night, I felt this prompting that reminded me that He had provided and I had been blessed by Him.

Father, I know I have been blessed by You. Maybe in some way You have given me this path because of the year I had and how much I wanted it, maybe You want me to experience it one time jialat jialat and admit to myself how illogical it is to do this for long.

But ultimately I know that whatever blessing comes from You, and I will bless others because I have been blessed by You. I will ask the brothers in cell to keep me accountable, I will not disappear from You, Lord.

I went down to sign the contract today. When lcc saw me after, he said I was seriously beaming. Sure, there's unlikely to be beaming at 3am next time, but for one night, I would scarcely believe that I had gotten the job.

Somewhere in the Middle

Had a quick interview with DB (6th one for those still counting) last Thursday, guy basically treated like a social call, rather than an interview, since he had interviewed me by phone a month back. But he was confusing, on one hand saying they wanted to "take things to the next level" and "offer me a position as analyst", but also qualifying with "these things are never finalised until they are finalised". Then today recruiter called to discuss start date, saying she doesn't want to jump the gun, but it does look like it's in the bag. All I can say is I'll believe when I see it...

I have been trying to put together and share my thoughts, why I have seemingly gone one extreme in life to the other, why I seem to have taken one path, only to completely backtrack and take another. So many thoughts, many of which go to the very core of who I am.

I was driving home last week thinking about this, when I heard this song which I had heard many times. But this time I happened to listen to lyrics more carefully and I realised it summarises what I feel completely. I really am somewhere in the middle. Does that make me lukewarm? I don't think so, I believe it means I recognise my humanity and I am always trying, always seeking my Saviour.

So, at the risk of turning my blog into a Casting Crowns site, I want to share this song with you:

Somewhere In The Middle
Casting Crowns

Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle

Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Friendship

It is such a over-used and mis-used word sometimes. Still, God has truly blessed me richly in this regard. Over the years, I have really come to appreciate my close friends, whether they are here in Singapore or overseas. Friends from cell, sailing, sch, church, work, I thank God for them all. :)

Keith flew in last Friday for Michelle's wedding. Together with Ke-Yue, 3 of us met up on Saturday for her wedding. After Keith and I pigged out at chomp chomp on bbq sting-ray, sambal kang kong, chai tau quay, or luat and satay, it was basically a night of ps3 for 3 of us (for one, only after the kids were asleep of course).

Quite a sight - three 28 year olds, a lawyer/father, lecturer and engineer (sounds like the start of a lame joke huh), playing video games like kids. But there was something special about it to me. It was like time had not changed our friendships and for a few hours (quite a few in fact), it was really like 10 years ago, an escape from the stresses, troubles and worries in each of our lives.

I treasure these precious moments. Thank You Lord for friends.

Excruciating

Was informed by the recruiter that I am on the final shortlist of 2 for the DB job. 1-2 more interviews, then decision hopefully by next week.

With army and joblessness looming, my anxiety levels can't help but go up.

Viola asked me if I reeeally want this job. It's a question that's been on my mind for so long, will organise the many thoughts on that in next post.

Meanwhile, staff performance went ok today. Don't think I've gone on stage like that since I was in Pri sch! haha... tomorrow I face my students, I can just see the laughter. :P

Public humiliation

So much been going on, yet somehow seems like not much to talk about. Anyway, briefly...

Had Round 5 yesterday with DB. Finally it was with someone at ground level, likely the senior analyst I would be working directly with if I get the job. Got a fair bit of her questions wrong, but I get the feeling none were particularly crucial and the point was that she could get along with me (since it's a team of 2 currently only).

Last 2 weeks in poly...work still going crazy since I got back. Finally cleared the SDip study guides, kena arrow do SDip exam questions. Now finished that, must mark common test for my students by this week.

But worst worst worst of all...this week there is an awards ceremony for TEP (the work exposure/project class that I supervise), some clever senior fella decides it's a wise idea to make lecturers humiliate themselves in front of their students. So being the youngest one, natural arrow. 9 of us, song and dance routine tomorrow...SIGH... first dance to Mama Mia, then (hair stand alert)...sing this song:

We Are The TEPians
(to the tune of We are the World)

There comes a time, when we hear a certain call
When the school must come together as ONE
There are students learning
And it's time we lend them a hand cause
TEACHING is the greatest gift of all

We can go on, teaching day and night
That someone, somewhere will soon make us proud
We are all a part of SBM's Great Big Family
And the truth you know that
Love is all we give

CHORUS:
You are the TEPians, We are the lecturers
We are the ones, who make a brighter day
So let's start learning
There's a choice you're making
We will teach everything we can
It's true, we'll make a better day, just for you and me

Give me your time so you'll know that we can teach
And your skills will be stronger and free.
As we have shown you, by learning year by year
And so we all, must teach you, all we can

p.s. Stop laughing... I tell you, if this gets onto youtube, bury my head in the ground. Heh :P

Pictures of UK and Ghent

Uploaded some pictures of the trip... at the end of the day, though it was a pretty unfortunate time to be ill, I was glad to be together with the whole family again, laughing and joking. :)

UK/Ghent December 2007

Prayer for the year

Dear Lord,

In previous years, I would have to spend some time reflecting on the past year, what has been good, what has been bad. But this year...in so many ways, 2007 has been such a horrible year for me, easily the worst of my 28 years. What is even more frustrating is that You know i confessed that I had gone astray for the first 4 months of the year, but had committed everything to You after that, my career, my personal life.

Father, I know that You will never put us through more than we can handle, but You're seriously pushing it close to the limit!

But You know what? I thank You Father, for the life changing experience over the past 2 years, the difference of having You permeate my whole life, rather than just a part of it. And inspite of everything that has happened, I can know and say this with conviction -

Jesus, my Saviour, I know You will always love me, guide me, care for me. And You know that though my thots and actions may not always show it, You will always be in my heart, every fibre of my being. Your love for me gives me ultimate hope in life, of the future, of everything, and to that I can only say - I love You.

So this is my prayer for 2008, Lord. I pray that no matter what happens in my life, somehow Your love will still shine through me. I pray too for your blessing, Abba Father, let this be a better year. Let this be a happier year.

Amen.

East to West

East to West
Casting Crowns

Here I am Lord, and I'm drowning
in your sea of forgetfulness
the chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I dont want to end up where you found me
and it echoes in my mind,
keeps me awake tonight

I know you cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
and I stand before you now,as if I've never sinned
but today I feel like I'm just one mistake away
from you leaving me this way

and Jesus can you show me
just how far the east is from the west
cause I can't bear to see the man I've been rising up in me again
in the arms of your mercy I find rest,
cause you know just how far the East is from the West
from one scarred hand to the other.

I start the day the war begins
endless reminding of my sin
time and time again your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
today I feel like I'm just one mistake away,
from you leaving me this way

and Jesus can you show me,
just how far the East is from the West
cause I can't bear to see the man I've been rising up in me again
in the arms of your mercy I find rest
cause you know just how far the East is from the West
from one scarred hand to the other.

I know you've washed me white,
turned my darkness into light
I need your peace to get me through,
to get me through this night
can't live by what I feel
but by the Truth your Word reveals,
I'm not holding on to you
but you're holding on to me,
you're holding on to me

Jesus you know just how far the East is from the West
I don't have to see the man I've been, rising up in me again
in the arms of your mercy I find rest'
cause you know just how far the East is from the West,
from one scarred hand to the other.

Accidental puns

Just got back from Ghent, Belgium. (Others were right, there is really nothing much in Ghent)

Anyway, little lunch time exchange while we were there, when my brother David and my Dad were eating steak:

Me: How was your steak done?

David: They did it medium, like I asked.

Me: Wow, that's very rare.

*dop!*

Later...

Mum (to Dad): How was your steak done? Medium rare?

Dad: No, medium well, like I asked.

Me: Well done.

*dop!* *dop!*

*cough*

Just got back from 3 day road trip to North of England. Unfortunately though, the bug which I've been slowly coming down with became full blown over these 3 days. Was fun travelling with family, tho naturally not the same with cough, fever, headache, running nose, all hitting me one by one.

Will post pictures to describe the trip when I get better. Hope that happens soon, cos taking Eurostar to Belgium in 2 days.

I've been blogged!

Dennis mentioned a couple of weeks back that some teachers found that their students had blogged about them. I decided that I would try and see if my students have been blogging about me.

Sure enough, some did! I dunno why I am so shocked, but I am. Here are some of the comments:

"so funny.. and Mr. Mark E was so random to talk about Ben and Jerry's operations and internal control.. dotz"

"And funny Mr Mark E. He came in just to talk about Contract for Different (CFD), then he left. dot.z"

"Learning the Bloomberg system, today mark e come teach us. I totally dunno how to use... crazy system, why people wan to invest such weird systems whereby not really everybody will rmb"

Ah well... could have been a whoooole lot worse. Hahaha...

(oh ya, call me paranoid, but I refrained from spelling my surname here so the blog cannot be located via google search of my name. dunno lah, just feel like keeping it that way. :P)